Jokes about USC
The USC library burns. Three books are found. Two are found not colored in.
– Mark DuVall, Mount Pleasant Magazine Facebook comment
What do Gamecock fans do after they win an SEC championship?
• They turn off the PlayStation.
Why do South Carolina football players like smart women?
• Opposites attract.
A Clemson grad and a Gamecock both jump off a cliff at the same time. Who lands first?
• The Clemson grad because the Gamecock would have to stop to ask for directions.
Did you hear about the USC grad that got fired from the M&M manufacturer?
• He kept throwing out all the ones with ‘W.’
How many USC fans does it take to change a light bulb?
• About 75,000. One to change the bulb and 74,999 to stand around and talk about how great the old one used to be.
What does the average University of South Carolina student get on his SAT?
• Drool.
How do you keep South Carolina Gamecocks out of your yard?
• Put up goal posts
How do Gamecocks brain cells die?
• Alone
What does a South Carolina Gamecocks fan do when his team has won the BCS championship?
• He turns off the PlayStation 3
What does a South Carolina native and a bottle of beer have in common?
• They’re both empty from the neck up
What do you call a South Carolina football player with a championship ring?
• A thief
What does a Gamecock grad call a Clemson Tiger grad in 5 years?
• Boss
Why do Carolina Gamecocks football players use body heat activated deodorant?
• Because it’s the closest they will come to getting a “Degree”
Why do the South Carolina Gamecocks eat cereal straight from the box?
• They choke whenever they get near a bowl.
What’s the difference between a South Carolina fan and a carp?
• One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.
Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?
• On the University of South Carolina campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.
Did you hear about the University of South Carolina fan who locked his keys in his car?
• He couldn’t get his family out.
What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Carolina campus?
• A visitor.
Did you hear about the fire in the University of South Carolina’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
• The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.
Do you know why the University of South Carolina football team should change its name to the “Opossums”?
• Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
How do you make University of South Carolina cookies?
• Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What do you get when you cross University of South Carolina fan and a pig?
• Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.
How many University of South Carolina freshman does it take to change a light bulb?
• None, it’s a sophomore course.
Q. What did the South Carolina graduate say to the Clemson graduate?
A. “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order, please?”
A South Carolina Gamecocks fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”
Two University of South Carolina fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.
The first South Carolina fan says to the second, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”
The second South Carolina fan replies, “Yeah, me too. But I wouldn’t try it.”
The first South Carolina fan asks, “Why not?”
The second South Carolina fan replies, “Because I’m afraid the dog might bite me.”
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good South Carolina joke?”
The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am a South Carolina grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a South Carolina grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s a South Carolina grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”
The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
Jokes about Clemson
One day in an elementary school in Columbia, South Carolina, a teacher asks her class if the South Carolina Gamecocks are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for little Jimmy. The teacher asks, ‘What’s your favorite football team Jimmy?’ Little Jimmy says, ‘The Clemson Tigers.’ The teacher asks, ‘Well, why is that?’
Little Jimmy says, ‘Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan.’ The teacher, angered by his reply, says, ‘If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?’
Little Jimmy says, ‘Well, I guess that would make me a South Carolina fan
Directions to Clemson: West till you smell it. South till you step in it!
How do you compliment a Clemson fan?
• Nice tooth
How did the Clemson Tigers fan die from drinking milk?
• The cow fell on him!
What’s the difference between a Clemson football player and a dollar?
• You can get four quarters out of a dollar
What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a Clemson fan?
• A tattoo
Why is there no ice in the drinks at Clemson?
• The senior with the recipe graduated
How do you know that the toothbrush was invented at Clemson?
• If it was invented any place else it would have been called the teethbrush.
Why can’t Clemson Tigers players go on the Internet?
• They can’t put 3 w’s together
Hear about the Clemson guy who lost $50 on the football game?
• He lost $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay
Why was “the wave” banned in Memorial Stadium?
• Two Tigers fans drowned last year
Why did they cancel the Christmas play at Clemson last year?
• They couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
What do a tornado and a Clemson cheerleader have in common?
• They both just end up in trailer parks.
How do you know you’re in a Clemson bar?
• If you call the number on the bathroom wall you get the farm report.
How do you keep the Tigers out of the end zone?
• Put it in a library.
What is the most common STD at Clemson?
• Rabies.
Why don’t Clemson grads use 911 in an emergency?
• Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone dial.
How do you compliment a Clemson fan?
• Nice tooth.
Why don’t you see many Clemson Pharmacists?
• They can’t figure out how to put the medicine bottles in the printer!
What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish?
• One has whiskers and smells—the other is a fish.
How do you keep a Clemson girl from biting her nails?
• Make her wear shoes.
How do you break a Clemson guy’s finger?
• Punch him in the nose.
What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
• Clemson jokes!
Clemson University: Turn left at the barn and keep driving. You’ll get here eventually.
Dabo had an unfortunate horseback riding accident yesterday. Officials say it could have been worse but fortunately the Walmart manager unplugged the horse.
– Submitted by Joe Spigner
Orange – The perfect color for a school. You can go the game on Saturday, hunt on Sunday and pick up trash on the side of the freeway the rest of the week.
A redneck, and a car salesman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What will you be having Mr. Swinney?”
A Georgia, Florida, and Clemson student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Clemson. The Georgia student opens his lunch box and says, “A hot-dog again! If I have to eat one more hot-dog I’m going to jump off this bridge!”
The Florida student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, “Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I’m going to jump too!”
Lastly the Clemson student opens his lunchbox and complains, “Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I’m going to end it all too!”
The next day the Georgia student finds another hot dog and jumps…the Florida student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too…finally the Clemson student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.
Later when the three mothers were grieving the Georgia mother cries, “If I had only known he didn’t like hot dogs, ” and the Florida mother cried, “I thought salad was good for him.” The Clemson mother then exclaimed, “I don’t understand…he fixed his own lunch every day!”
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Tell us your favorite Clemson & Carolina jokes below in the Comments!
Dabo had an unfortunate horseback riding accident yesterday. Officials say it could have been worse but fortunately the Wal-Mart manager unplugged the horse…