Holiday Jokes for Family Gatherings

Having a dinner with family this season? Make everyone giggle with these jokes and check back for more as we find them!

Thanksgiving Jokes

Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!

What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A Har-VEST

After Thanksgiving dinner was finished, Mort saw his little brother Sid in the backyard, planting birdseed.
“Why are you planting birdseed?” Mort asked.
“I’m growing next year’s turkey,” Sid replied.

Jimmy: Mmmm! That turkey smells good and its not even done yet. How long will it be?
Mom: About the same length it was before I put it into the oven, I suppose.

What kind of key can’t open any doors?
A turkey.

Where do turkeys go to dance?
The butterball.

Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving?
Because everything is marked down after the holidays!

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it!

What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

What vegetables would you like with your Thanksgiving dinner?
Beets me!

Should you have your whole family for Thanksgiving dinner?
No, you should just have the turkey!

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose!

What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G!

When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!

Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed!

What do you get it you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving!

What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called?
Turkey feathers!

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
To try to hatchet!

What’s the best way to stuff a turkey?
Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!

If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be most famous for?
Their age!

What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn’t fit the moose in the oven!

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore!

When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!

When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America”?
When they first heard America sneeze!

 

A Dog’s Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

  • Don’t pee on the tree
  • Don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
  • Mind your tail when you are near the tree
  • If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
  • Don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

  • Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
  • Don’t eat off the buffet table
  • Beg for goodies subtly
  • Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
  • Don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
  • Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important
  • Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses.
  • Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
  • Tolerate children
  • Turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

The top 18 ways to confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas,” and “Go away Santa”

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy.” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa”

11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

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