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Clemson Tigers and Carolina Gamecocks jokes

USC

One day in an elementary school in Columbia, SC, a teacher asks her class if the South Carolina Gamecocks are their favorite football team. The whole class says yes, except for Little Jimmy.

The teacher asks, “What’s your favorite football team Jimmy?”

Little Jimmy says, “The Clemson Tigers ”

The teacher asks, “Well, why is that?”

Little Jimmy says, “Well, my dad is a Tiger fan, my mom is a Tiger fan, I guess that makes me a Tiger fan.”

The teacher angered by his reply says, “If your dad was a moron and your mom was an idiot what would that make you?”

Little Jimmy says, “Well, I guess that would make me a South Carolina fan.”

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Q: How many South Carolina fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he gets 3 credits.

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Q: What’s the difference between a South Carolina fan and a carp?

A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

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Q: Where was O.J. hiding right before the famous white Bronco chase?

A: On the University of South Carolina campus. That’s the last place you would find a football player.

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Q: Why do they throw out a sack of manure at University of South Carolina weddings?

A: To keep the flies off the bride.

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Q: Why don’t South Carolina Gamecocks fans let their kids play in sand boxes?

A: Because cats keep covering them up.

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A South Carolina Gamecocks fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”

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Q: Did you hear about the University of South Carolina fan who locked his keys in his car?

A: He couldn’t get his family out.

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Q: Why do University of South Carolina fans keep their diplomas on their dashboards?

A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

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Two University of South Carolina fans were walking down the street when they came upon a dog lying on the sidewalk licking and cleaning his groin like dogs do.

The first South Carolina fan says to the second, “Boy, I wish I could do that.”

The second South Carolina fan replies, “Yeah, me too. But I wouldn’t try it.”

The first South Carolina fan asks, “Why not?”

The second South Carolina fan replies, “Because I’m afraid the dog might bite me.”

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Q: What do you call a good looking girl on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: A visitor.

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Q: Did you hear about the power outage at the University of South Carolina library?

A: Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

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Q: Did you hear about the fire in the University of South Carolina’s football dorm that destroyed 20 books?

A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.

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Q: Do you know why the University of South Carolina football team should change its name to the “Opossums”?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

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Q: Did you hear the story about the semi-truck carrying pigs that flipped over on the University of South Carolina campus?

A: The officials had to check ID’s before letting any of the Gamecocks cheerleaders back on board.

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Q: What does the average University of South Carolina student get on his SAT?

A: Drool.

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Q: What do you get when you breed a groundhog and the South Carolina Gamecocks?

A: Six more weeks of bad football.

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Q: What should you do if you find three University of South Carolina fans buried up to their neck in cement?

A: Get more cement.
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Q: How do you make University of South Carolina cookies?

A: Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

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Q: What do you get when you cross University of South Carolina fan and a pig?

A: Nothing. There’s some things that a pig will not do.

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Q: How many University of South Carolina freshman does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, it’s a sophomore course.

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Q. What did the South Carolina graduate say to the Clemson graduate?

A. “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order, please?”

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A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good South Carolina joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am a South Carolina grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a South Carolina grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s a South Carolina grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

CLEMSON

Q: Why did they cancel the Christmas play at Clemson last year?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: What do a tornado and a Clemson cheerleader have in common?
A: They both just end up in trailer parks.

Q: How do you know you’re in a Clemson bar?
A: If you call the number on the bathroom wall you get the farm report.

Q: How do you keep the Tigers out of the end zone?
A: Put it in a library.

Q: What is the most common STD at Clemson?
A: Rabies.

Q: Why don’t Clemson grads use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can’t find “eleven” on the phone dial.

Q: How do you compliment a Clemson fan?
A: Nice tooth.

Q: Why don’t you see many Clemson Pharmacists?
A: They can’t figure out how to put the medicine bottles in the printer!

Q: What is the difference between a Clemson cheerleader and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells—the other is a fish.

Q: How do you keep a Clemson girl from biting her nails?
A: Make her wear shoes.

Q: How do you break a Clemson guy’s finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland?
A: Clemson jokes!

A Georgia, Florida, and Clemson student were all having lunch together on a bridge outside Clemson. The Georgia student opens his lunch box and says, “A hot-dog again! If I have to eat one more hot-dog I’m going to jump off this bridge!”

The Florida student then opens his lunch box and exclaims, “Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I’m going to jump too!”

Lastly the Clemson student opens his lunchbox and complains, “Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and jelly one more time I’m going to end it all too!”

The next day the Georgia student finds another hot dog and jumps…the Florida student got salad again and threw himself off the bridge too…finally the Clemson student finds peanut butter and jelly again and jumps to his demise as well.

Later when the three mothers were grieving the Georgia mother cries, “If I had only known he didn’t like hot dogs, ” and the Florida mother cried, “I thought salad was good for him.” The Clemson mother then exclaimed, “I don’t understand…he fixed his own lunch every day!”

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